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It's been a slow few weeks. I have been telling myself - time and time again - that I need to just stop for a while and reboot. But I didn't listen. I went faster. Added more to my plate and kept chugging forwards. I wasn't being 'mean' to myself - I like being busy and seeing people and studying feverishly and learning lots and working with clients etc. It's not like I was hating life while I was so busy, I still was so happy and in love with my life, I was just tired. So after ignoring small signs that my body may have needed a break - no energy, trouble sleeping, anxiety - last Sunday I got a BAS (big ass sign). I woke up and literally felt like I had been hit by a truck. Everything hurt. EVERYTHING. Every muscle, joint and bone ached. Sleep was inevitable as it was all I could manage while I felt so terrible - so I hopped into bed and stayed there for the next 24hours in hopes that I would wake up spritely and with abunant energy ready for a busy Monday. Berm bermm. Long story short - last week was a complete write off. Normally, when I'm sick, I can still function. I can still write, work on reports, make phone calls etc. This was oh so different. I couldn't do anything. My body was screaming 'stop!' and all it wanted to do, and needed to do, was sleep.
I was wracked with guilt. 'But I have SO much to do', 'How am I going to be able to pay the mortgage if I take time off work?' and of course 'But I feel so lazy'. This inner dialogue of guilt imposing meanness went on for days until the words from people I love finally sunk in - 'stop, rest and give yourself time to heal'. As soon as I gave myself permission to heal - wouldn't you know it - I healed so much faster. Even though my body went through all sorts of different illnesses in one week (I swear I've met my quota for the year in just 7 days!) - it actually became easier to deal with once I'd granted myself permission to just be. By Sunday I was pretty much back to my old self, more energy, less dizziness, no significant aches and pains. Just a little worse for wears, but very much 'Emily'.
This week it started again. The self bashing and the 'shouldas'. 'I should be working harder to make up for last week', 'I should have forced myself to study when I was in bed last week' or 'Now that I'm better I should go for a run since I didn't do anything last week'. I'm a blogger who hasn't been blogging, a runner who hasn't run in months, a positivity junkie who hasn't been all that positive, a food lover who hasn't been cooking, a passionate wordsmith who hasn't been reading, a student who has struggled with studying...
and that's all ok.
We so often punish ourselves for what we're not, or what we are 'failing' to do. But in any given moment, we need to trust ourselves that we are doing our very best. In every single moment, I believe we are exactly where we are meant to be. Sure, we can choose to try harder in certain areas or can dedicate ourselves to achieving x, y or z. But ultimately we are exactly who we need to be and where we need to be.
Instead of subscribing to this inner dialogue of what I 'should' be, I'm-a change channels. I am investing instead in raw, honest, divine, beautiful and complete trust in myself and the process. I trust that we will always get to where we need to be, we will always do what's right, we will always be heading in the right direction for ourselves.
Momentary swaying off course is just that. Momentary. Come back to you and you will always be exactly where you need to be.
Blessings and love soaked permission to be perfectly imperfect x
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